Friday, March 02, 2007
I'm not sure how to begin this blog, so I will start at the beginning. I've been dating Todd for 4 years this May. It is the longest relationship I've been in. Before this my longest was 2 years. When we first started dating everything was great, we were really falling for each other and never wanted to be apart. I loved everything about him. I thought he could be the one. We used to have so much fun together going places and doing things, and even in the bedroom things were awesome.
About 2 years into the relationship things started getting rocky. We would get into huge fights in which screaming and yelling and throwing things would ensue. I would always want to make up afterwards though, and we always worked it out. Even when he started smoking pot (which I hated) I tolerated it and tried to keep an open mind because I loved him. But about 3 years into the relationship his dumb little habits started to really get to me. I contemplated breaking up a lot, and even tried to a couple of times only to have him beg me to stay, promise to change, and me give in because I believed him and frankly I had no place else to go.
I started flirting with another guy over the internet when Todd wasn't around and got into some trouble when he figured it out one day. The thought of being alone kicked in and I begged him to forgive me and that I would cut off contact with this guy and never talk to him again. I did for a couple months, but every now and then I still say hi and have a chat with him.
I don't like keeping secrets from Todd, but lately I have been wanting to do more stuff behind his back, like going out to bars with my friends and telling him that I was just hanging out at their house so he doesn't get jealous. Or having to lie about where I've been because I know he would be mad if he knew the truth. It makes me really sad that our relationship has come to this. Within the past year our intimacy has gone down the tubes. I don't even feel that attracted to him anymore, I have almost no desire to have sex with him. The only time I do is purely for my satisfaction and I feel no regard for his wants or needs. It breaks my heart to say that, but it's true.
The part that really kills me is that we do have a lot in common. We love doing a lot of the same things. We enjoy the outdoors and we are pretty compatible with one another. I still enjoy talking to him and going places to hang out, and I even enjoy sitting on the couch and cuddling up with him. It's like I feel we are best friends, roommates, but I don't feel the emotional or sexual attraction to him anymore. When he tries to get closer to me I push him away, or I let him get close but only so he doesn't get mad and think I'm being mean to him. Sex has no emotional pleasure for me anymore, and even the physical pleasure has all but deminished. I feel like such a horrible person to be thinking such terrible things about a person who I once loved so much. I feel like our love has just become a comfort zone for us and we are just avoiding the inevitable. I don't know if it is really love anymore.
We are planning on moving to Florida in 3 months and starting a new life together, but the thought of this makes me feel like I'm going to regret it, or that I will be stuck in this relationship with no way out. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship, but I am not sure if there is any way to change how I feel, or if I even want to anymore. I think about just moving to Florida by myself, and just taking time to be single and develop my own sense of self without someone always there to follow. I have never been single for any big amount of time, so I wonder if maybe I just need time to be my own person. The thought of being alone scares me, and the thought that I might be making a mistake and Todd is the best I will ever be able to find scares me.
I'm not even sure how I would break up with him. We live together which makes in 10,000 times harder than it should be. I have tried before to break up and all he does is cry and beg and act super sweet to try to convince me to come back. It is so hard to sit there and look into someone's eyes who you know loves you and tell them you don't want them in your life anymore. It is like a knife being stabbed into my heart. I would have to be able to get away from him. Somewhere I could stay so he couldn't come knocking on the door and begging me until I give in. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to turn to. I'm not sure how I feel, or how I should feel. I am a big mess right now.
My thoughts lately have been more and more toward breaking up and what my life might be like without Todd in it. I have started wanting to be away from him more and more, and lying to him to do things I want to do. Then there are those moments where he looks into my eyes with all the love in his heart and he says 'I love you' and I can't say it back without feeling guilty. I have told him how I felt and he says "You're just mad because..blah blah blah, you don't really mean those things". He tries to make excuses for how I feel, but how do I tell him I really DO feel this way?
It especially hurts when he looks at me after I tell him how I feel and says "What did I do to make you hate me so much?" and I can't think of a single reason. I don't know what brought about this change in my feelings, or why I fell out of love with him. It just happened. I can't give him a reason that I want to break up with him. The only thing I can say is "I don't feel like I love you like a boyfriend anymore, I feel like we are more like friends". Nobody should ever have to say these things to someone who loves them and then have to keep living with them day in and day out. It is torture. It almost seems easier to just try to work things out, but deep down I know I don't feel the way I should about him, I don't feel like somene who is in love anymore.
I just wish I could pack up all my stuff and leave without him knowing, and tell him it's over and wish he would just understand. But things aren't that simple. I have another 12 weeks before I can leave because of our lease and my job. So within the next 12 weeks I will have to make one of the biggest choices I will ever make: Stay and be potentially unhappy and never know what if, or leave and have to start a whole new life without anyone to help me. Deep down I know the answer, but it's harder said than done. It's like telling your best friend you never want to see them again. I know I will break his heart either way.
About 2 years into the relationship things started getting rocky. We would get into huge fights in which screaming and yelling and throwing things would ensue. I would always want to make up afterwards though, and we always worked it out. Even when he started smoking pot (which I hated) I tolerated it and tried to keep an open mind because I loved him. But about 3 years into the relationship his dumb little habits started to really get to me. I contemplated breaking up a lot, and even tried to a couple of times only to have him beg me to stay, promise to change, and me give in because I believed him and frankly I had no place else to go.
I started flirting with another guy over the internet when Todd wasn't around and got into some trouble when he figured it out one day. The thought of being alone kicked in and I begged him to forgive me and that I would cut off contact with this guy and never talk to him again. I did for a couple months, but every now and then I still say hi and have a chat with him.
I don't like keeping secrets from Todd, but lately I have been wanting to do more stuff behind his back, like going out to bars with my friends and telling him that I was just hanging out at their house so he doesn't get jealous. Or having to lie about where I've been because I know he would be mad if he knew the truth. It makes me really sad that our relationship has come to this. Within the past year our intimacy has gone down the tubes. I don't even feel that attracted to him anymore, I have almost no desire to have sex with him. The only time I do is purely for my satisfaction and I feel no regard for his wants or needs. It breaks my heart to say that, but it's true.
The part that really kills me is that we do have a lot in common. We love doing a lot of the same things. We enjoy the outdoors and we are pretty compatible with one another. I still enjoy talking to him and going places to hang out, and I even enjoy sitting on the couch and cuddling up with him. It's like I feel we are best friends, roommates, but I don't feel the emotional or sexual attraction to him anymore. When he tries to get closer to me I push him away, or I let him get close but only so he doesn't get mad and think I'm being mean to him. Sex has no emotional pleasure for me anymore, and even the physical pleasure has all but deminished. I feel like such a horrible person to be thinking such terrible things about a person who I once loved so much. I feel like our love has just become a comfort zone for us and we are just avoiding the inevitable. I don't know if it is really love anymore.
We are planning on moving to Florida in 3 months and starting a new life together, but the thought of this makes me feel like I'm going to regret it, or that I will be stuck in this relationship with no way out. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship, but I am not sure if there is any way to change how I feel, or if I even want to anymore. I think about just moving to Florida by myself, and just taking time to be single and develop my own sense of self without someone always there to follow. I have never been single for any big amount of time, so I wonder if maybe I just need time to be my own person. The thought of being alone scares me, and the thought that I might be making a mistake and Todd is the best I will ever be able to find scares me.
I'm not even sure how I would break up with him. We live together which makes in 10,000 times harder than it should be. I have tried before to break up and all he does is cry and beg and act super sweet to try to convince me to come back. It is so hard to sit there and look into someone's eyes who you know loves you and tell them you don't want them in your life anymore. It is like a knife being stabbed into my heart. I would have to be able to get away from him. Somewhere I could stay so he couldn't come knocking on the door and begging me until I give in. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to turn to. I'm not sure how I feel, or how I should feel. I am a big mess right now.
My thoughts lately have been more and more toward breaking up and what my life might be like without Todd in it. I have started wanting to be away from him more and more, and lying to him to do things I want to do. Then there are those moments where he looks into my eyes with all the love in his heart and he says 'I love you' and I can't say it back without feeling guilty. I have told him how I felt and he says "You're just mad because..blah blah blah, you don't really mean those things". He tries to make excuses for how I feel, but how do I tell him I really DO feel this way?
It especially hurts when he looks at me after I tell him how I feel and says "What did I do to make you hate me so much?" and I can't think of a single reason. I don't know what brought about this change in my feelings, or why I fell out of love with him. It just happened. I can't give him a reason that I want to break up with him. The only thing I can say is "I don't feel like I love you like a boyfriend anymore, I feel like we are more like friends". Nobody should ever have to say these things to someone who loves them and then have to keep living with them day in and day out. It is torture. It almost seems easier to just try to work things out, but deep down I know I don't feel the way I should about him, I don't feel like somene who is in love anymore.
I just wish I could pack up all my stuff and leave without him knowing, and tell him it's over and wish he would just understand. But things aren't that simple. I have another 12 weeks before I can leave because of our lease and my job. So within the next 12 weeks I will have to make one of the biggest choices I will ever make: Stay and be potentially unhappy and never know what if, or leave and have to start a whole new life without anyone to help me. Deep down I know the answer, but it's harder said than done. It's like telling your best friend you never want to see them again. I know I will break his heart either way.
