Heather's Web Journal

I'm not sure how to begin this blog, so I will start at the beginning. I've been dating Todd for 4 years this May. It is the longest relationship I've been in. Before this my longest was 2 years. When we first started dating everything was great, we were really falling for each other and never wanted to be apart. I loved everything about him. I thought he could be the one. We used to have so much fun together going places and doing things, and even in the bedroom things were awesome.

About 2 years into the relationship things started getting rocky. We would get into huge fights in which screaming and yelling and throwing things would ensue. I would always want to make up afterwards though, and we always worked it out. Even when he started smoking pot (which I hated) I tolerated it and tried to keep an open mind because I loved him. But about 3 years into the relationship his dumb little habits started to really get to me. I contemplated breaking up a lot, and even tried to a couple of times only to have him beg me to stay, promise to change, and me give in because I believed him and frankly I had no place else to go.

I started flirting with another guy over the internet when Todd wasn't around and got into some trouble when he figured it out one day. The thought of being alone kicked in and I begged him to forgive me and that I would cut off contact with this guy and never talk to him again. I did for a couple months, but every now and then I still say hi and have a chat with him.

I don't like keeping secrets from Todd, but lately I have been wanting to do more stuff behind his back, like going out to bars with my friends and telling him that I was just hanging out at their house so he doesn't get jealous. Or having to lie about where I've been because I know he would be mad if he knew the truth. It makes me really sad that our relationship has come to this. Within the past year our intimacy has gone down the tubes. I don't even feel that attracted to him anymore, I have almost no desire to have sex with him. The only time I do is purely for my satisfaction and I feel no regard for his wants or needs. It breaks my heart to say that, but it's true.

The part that really kills me is that we do have a lot in common. We love doing a lot of the same things. We enjoy the outdoors and we are pretty compatible with one another. I still enjoy talking to him and going places to hang out, and I even enjoy sitting on the couch and cuddling up with him. It's like I feel we are best friends, roommates, but I don't feel the emotional or sexual attraction to him anymore. When he tries to get closer to me I push him away, or I let him get close but only so he doesn't get mad and think I'm being mean to him. Sex has no emotional pleasure for me anymore, and even the physical pleasure has all but deminished. I feel like such a horrible person to be thinking such terrible things about a person who I once loved so much. I feel like our love has just become a comfort zone for us and we are just avoiding the inevitable. I don't know if it is really love anymore.

We are planning on moving to Florida in 3 months and starting a new life together, but the thought of this makes me feel like I'm going to regret it, or that I will be stuck in this relationship with no way out. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship, but I am not sure if there is any way to change how I feel, or if I even want to anymore. I think about just moving to Florida by myself, and just taking time to be single and develop my own sense of self without someone always there to follow. I have never been single for any big amount of time, so I wonder if maybe I just need time to be my own person. The thought of being alone scares me, and the thought that I might be making a mistake and Todd is the best I will ever be able to find scares me.

I'm not even sure how I would break up with him. We live together which makes in 10,000 times harder than it should be. I have tried before to break up and all he does is cry and beg and act super sweet to try to convince me to come back. It is so hard to sit there and look into someone's eyes who you know loves you and tell them you don't want them in your life anymore. It is like a knife being stabbed into my heart. I would have to be able to get away from him. Somewhere I could stay so he couldn't come knocking on the door and begging me until I give in. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to turn to. I'm not sure how I feel, or how I should feel. I am a big mess right now.

My thoughts lately have been more and more toward breaking up and what my life might be like without Todd in it. I have started wanting to be away from him more and more, and lying to him to do things I want to do. Then there are those moments where he looks into my eyes with all the love in his heart and he says 'I love you' and I can't say it back without feeling guilty. I have told him how I felt and he says "You're just mad because..blah blah blah, you don't really mean those things". He tries to make excuses for how I feel, but how do I tell him I really DO feel this way?

It especially hurts when he looks at me after I tell him how I feel and says "What did I do to make you hate me so much?" and I can't think of a single reason. I don't know what brought about this change in my feelings, or why I fell out of love with him. It just happened. I can't give him a reason that I want to break up with him. The only thing I can say is "I don't feel like I love you like a boyfriend anymore, I feel like we are more like friends". Nobody should ever have to say these things to someone who loves them and then have to keep living with them day in and day out. It is torture. It almost seems easier to just try to work things out, but deep down I know I don't feel the way I should about him, I don't feel like somene who is in love anymore.

I just wish I could pack up all my stuff and leave without him knowing, and tell him it's over and wish he would just understand. But things aren't that simple. I have another 12 weeks before I can leave because of our lease and my job. So within the next 12 weeks I will have to make one of the biggest choices I will ever make: Stay and be potentially unhappy and never know what if, or leave and have to start a whole new life without anyone to help me. Deep down I know the answer, but it's harder said than done. It's like telling your best friend you never want to see them again. I know I will break his heart either way.

--The following post taken from another blog on DECEMBER 9th, 2004--

Okay. So I don't really have anything significant to post about today. I am thouroughly dissapointed that none of my friends have posted anything in the past few days. I mean what else am I supposed to do with my free time? Really. More posts people! I wanna see every little detail on here. But anyway, Today my boss said I didn't have to come in tomorrow. Ah relaxation atlast. Atleast for a little while. I'm going to be getting $170 a week from the government (it's about time they gave me something) to buy food and gas and pay my bills. But I won't have money for much else. Unless I get a load of money for xmas from my family. Which I doubt. They always get me clothes or gift certificates of some sort. My roommates and Todd are downstairs drinking, but I'm not in the mood. They are no fun to party with, all they do is tease me. Dumb boys. Tomorrow I am going to send off some Christmas cards and do a few errands. then I'm just gonna bum out on the couch. Monday I will start looking for a job. Apparently there may be a party here Saturday. I'm glad I don't have to sit at work all day doing nothing anymore, but I am def. gonna miss the moolah. I think I am going to set up a donate to Heather fund on here. I'd have to get a PO box or something though incase of perverts or stalkers. I've seen things like on e-bay this one guy sold pennies for charity, they sold for like $100. crazy. I am a good cause! Donate! :) Okay, well I'm gonna go fiddle with my profile some more, as if it doesn't look tacky and girly enough yet, lol. Cya guys later.

--This blog entry taken from another blog on DECEMBER 6th, 2004--

Ok so I work at Oceana Magazine in OC. The thing is, in the winter, OC is a ghost town, besides the old ppl who live in their big expensive houses. So the magazine stops runnning next week through FEBRUARY! sheesh! So now I filed for temp. unemployment, but I don't know how much I'm going to be getting from that, so I think I'm going to have to find a part time job as well. I don't know what I should do... maybe the pet store is hiring or something. I wanna do something fun, cuz its not like I'll be there long. Anyone have any ideas? I like art and animals, and... i dunno, fun stuff. Todd is so stressed about his finals and stuff, I hope he passes everything. He studies like no other and harly has time for poor old me :( We had a kegger Sat. night, it was a blast. We played flip cup for like an hour and i totally kicked ass. They also tried to teach me some card game...i forget what its called, my attention span is non-existant when I'm drunk. I took a chaser pill b4 i started drinking, and I didn't feel anything the next day, except really bad cottonmouth, but I felt fine. I wonder if it was the pill.. or just the placebo... hrmm, Todd took them too and was feeling a little sick last night. But he didn't barf or anything. Me and Amber and Britt's sleepover went well, we watched all our old movies we made, it was hella funny. Mike in a bikini always cracks me up. and my famous line "NOOOO!" lol....So i am sitting here at work, they are only making me come in to get some extra money before the break, I don't really have any work to do, I've finished backing up all the files, so I guess I'll just chill the rest of the week. I dont think i'm gonna be able to afford xmas gifts this year, which sucks. I guess I'll just have to paint everyone something like the cheapskate I am. heh. Well now that I JUST started formatting my paragraphs, I'm gonna go! lol... cya!

The summer is now slowly fading away, the last time I posted it hadn't even started. Where to begin? Lets give a brief explanation and then I'll go into some detail. I left my job at SBT, and packed up and hauled out here to Salisbury with my Toddster, Jason, Todd's bro Ryan, and Matt. We live in a nice 4 bedroom house with a good sized backyard equipt with a trampoline, hammock, horseshoe pit, shed, patio, and full patio set with umbrella and tiki torches! its awesome. I bought 2 ducks about a month into moving, I named them Sassy and Norbert, but now they are bigger and I think they are both girls. I got a job after 3 months of unemployment, I am working at Oceana Magazine in Ocean City on 126th bayside. Its a 40 minute drive from the bury, but I am the art director and am incharge of all the ads and graphics and get $400 a week (b4 bloody taxes) so its pretty sweet. Mom and dad moved to Florida last week, so I'm not sure when I'll see them, it's pretty weird. Hopefully sometime in December. Todd and I are doing pretty good, we get in fights sometimes, but nothing major. He started school and is working hard in his classes (i hope) He says he might not get a job for a while bcuz his Blazer sparatically burst into flames and turned fried crispy like a burnt marshmallow, and his parents neighbor gave him a free car, so he's saving a bundle from the insurance money. I havn't seen Britt and Amber in a while, i keep asking them to come see me, but they are always busy. I don't really have any new friends, cept for a couple girls Courtey, Lindsay, and Julia, but i only see them like once a month, they are kinda crazy sometimes, lol. Next weekened we are going to Ren Fest, and then to see musician xavier rudd, todd's new boyfriend. Well, I will try to keep everything updated, and with work slowing down for the fall, i might be writing more while at work. heh. thats all for now, later!

Hi everyone! Well yea it's been a while. I graduated from AACC with my certificate of Graphic Design. I got a B in my class, yay. Work is still pretty fun, I like having the responsibility, even though its hard work! My phone and people skills have improved greatly. i'm moving June 19th to the new house. I've paid everyone and everything is prettymuch set. I've saved about $2k so far, so I hope I can make it. Hopefully my car makes it til then, its sounding really bad lately, but I don't wanna put anymore money into it. My dad still needs to teach me to drive his truck! me and Todd's 1 year anniversary is next week. I wonder what I should get him... hrmm, i better get thinking! We're doing pretty well, he calls me every day, and we see each other just about every weekend. He says he's getting pretty attatched to me, hehe. I hope everything works out with the house and moving and all. I asked to have off a day next week to go look for a job there, I hope I can find one! Well, thats about all for now, catch ya later

Hey people. It's me again! Lets see, whats happened since my last post...that was exactly a month ago, go figure, it doesnt seem like it. I quit working at the dollar tree.. I just wasnt enjoying it anymore, I have too much stuff to do to be worrying about $20 more a week. So thats the end of that. Todd signed the lease for a house yesterday. I went to see it last weekend, we only drove by, but its in a nice quiet neighborhood and its a big house. Me, Todd, His brother Ryan, and 2 guys from Salisbury, Jason (his current roomie), and their friend Matt. wow, 4 guys. I'm a lucky gal, heh. So I think i will be paying them next weekend for the deposit. it will be $280 a month. I've already started packing things up. I can't beleive in 2 months I won't be living here anymore. It's really weird for me, this is the only home Ive ever known. But off to new adventures in life. School is fine, AACC is a bumcrap school though, the printers are always breaking, and the programs quit for no reason. what a moneypit. I got a letter saying how I completed all the neccesary classes for my certificate, pending the completion of this last class, yay! Work is good, I still like working there, the girls are all really nice to me and stuff. Todd is coming home this weekend, only for friday and saturday though. My car died. Todd says its the alternator, but I dont know. It just didnt start one night when i was over ambers house. My dad had to come and jump the battery to get it to start. This morning he charged it up some and i got to work and back, but it didnt start when I had to leave for class. So I guess I need a new battery or alternator. Poor car, its been through so much. Well thats about all I can think of now. Keep ya posted, Heather

Well well, welcome back. What's new you ask? well let me tell you! Last weekend at Todd's was pretty cool for the most part. Friday we just hung out and stuff, then Saturday (V-day) we checked out a surfing swap meet in O.C., i bought some stickers that say "surfer girl, O.C. MD" on them. Todd went surfing for like an hour afterwards with one of the guys from the club. I just waited on the beach and fed some seagulls, and then walked along the beach picking up trash and throwing it away. I was a little annoyed that Todd wasn't hanging out with me on v-day, but he was like "just wait til later" I didn't know what he was talking about. We got back and hung out for a while, I kept wanting to go take a shower, but he told me to wait til later. He went and took one and then told me to go take a long shower.. I figured he had something up his sleeve. I took my shower and started walking down stairs, but he promptly ushered me back up. He said to wait til he said I could come down. So I waited a little while and then he came and got me. I walked downstairs to see the table set with candles and a bottle of wine and 2 wine glasses. He made me chicken, potatoes, and green beans, but way fancier, all from scratch. he told me how he had to cut the ends off the green beans and everything, lol. how cute. Then he had a card for me with a little poem in it "roses are red, violets are blue, just wait til you see what im gonna do to you" hah hah, what a funny guy. He also had 2 presents wrapped in tin foil (very chic) they were a bag of my fav cookies and seabiscuit on DVD! since he knew I'd been wanting to see it for a while, and that I was reading the book. I asked if he was going to watch it with me, since he didn't want to see it in the movies with me.. and he said "yep, thats the plan" so we ate dinner, it was really nice, then we laid on the couch together drinking from our wine glasses and watched seabiscuit. I thought it was pretty good, but the book had way more details. So the rest of the night was ahem, private. The next day Todd had a lot of homework to do, so I mostly just sat around and watched tv. Him and Jason were watching the Daytona 500, but I got bored and decided to go on Todd's computer. I started looking around his files for some videos i had seen on there earlier.. but what I found was not something I needed to see.. Videos he had sent to Mary while she was in college i guess.. saying he loved her and all that jazz. then the worst... a video of them french kissing for like 30 seconds.. blah.. i was a little disturbed about it, especially since Todd had asked me to get rid of all my stuff from Adam, and delete phone numbers from my phone of guys I used to date. When he came upstairs I was like "dont tell me to get rid of my stuff anymore" he got so mad that I was snooping through his stuff, he said that he couldn't trust me and that moving in together isnt such a good idea, and that i should leave. I was kinda pissed at myself and i started packing my stuff. my keys were in his car though and he wouldnt get them for me. So i was just walking around, and i punched the door a couple times and broke open a layer of skin on my knuckles. When he finally noticed he acted like he cared, without really showing it too much. I just stayed away from him for a little while and he calmed down. Then I left later that night with everything in check per say. Then today I talked to him about all that, he said he didnt know those videos were on there and that he was sorry, and that he deleted them. kinda makes me wonder if he has anything else on there that he "doesnt know about" maybe I shouldn't go there though. Well anyways, we talked about the moving situation and I told him if his heart wasnt into it, that i wouldnt move in. He still says he isnt sure. But I guess we'll see. If I don't I think I might just move to Florida. Start a new life and get away from all this crap. I don't want to lose Todd, but I think if we cant even get along in a house together, theres no way we could ever have a life together. Sounds crazy at this age, but why the hell would I be with someone who cant tolerate me for more than a few days at a time? u know? Well thats about all.. works same old, pretty good.. tonight I'm going out with Jen and Chelsea (the girls i work with) to some church for a college night thing with food and a band that chelseas boyfriend is in. it should be interesting. I do need to get out more and meet new people and such. So thats all for now. I'll keep u posted on whats up.

Well I started my new job. It's pretty cool so far. I have a lot to memorize but its not hard. I work with 2 girls about my age and our boss. It's pretty laid back and we can go at our own pace and talk and stuff. Yesterday we watched Montel and Judge Hatchett on tv while we worked, lol... Todd came over last weekend and it was fun, he took me out to red hot and blue for dinner to celebrate my new job. He liked my hair :) Not too much happened, cept now I don't know if I'll be able to take Tink with me cuz todd says the lease doesnt allow pets and nobody else living with us likes cats. We'll see, maybe I can give them a guilt trip or something. It feels good to actually be doing stuff instead of sitting around. I'm still going to work at the dollar tree on thursday nights at 5:30.. so thats an extra $20 a week. That means I'll be getting about $300 a week! I can finally pay off my credit card bill and start saving up my money. I'm pretty happy about that. My mom's birthday is Friday, but they will still be in FL. I bought her a Beatles DVD that I hope she'll like. I'll have to leave it here for when she gets back. Well thats all thats really new. buh-bye 4 now